So apparently the other night a bunch of frat boys on a bar crawl came into The Rail. Or maybe they weren’t frat boys, but either way, there was a shit-ton of testosterone in the air. One of them won a Hamm’s Hat, and he henceforth tackled his duties with vigor. Is this guy a Viking or what? A Viking with red sunglasses, that is!!

According to Tumbleweed, the boys went nuts. There were high-fives, low-fives, chest-thumping, fist-bumping, and fist-bumping where there’s a little explosion at the end thereby indicating, I suppose, that their fists are little chubby five-fingered nuggets of C-4. Nonetheless, she said she hadn’t seen that much excitement over a piece of cardboard in, well, since the last Hamm’s Hat.

That’s the beauty of Hamm’s Hats, see … seriously. If the UN sat down, and each ambassador drank a thirty, put on a Hamm’s Hat, there would be a lot less bullshit going on in the world. Why no one has thought of this is beyond me.


And now in the realm of completely inexplicable things, there’s been this strange phenomenon at “Work”, as opposed to “The Library”, “The Marriage Counseling Center”, or “Church.” (Ed.: If you don’t what the fuck I just said, ask Moose.) Anyway, one day I’m sitting at the The Rail, and River Rat yanks out this gigantic bottle of Hawaiian Punch from the cooler. I don’t think I’ve seen that shit since I was 12. Or 38. Who knows. So I ask, “what the fuck?” River Rat proceeds to explain that someone brought in a whole bunch of Hawaiian Punch. It might have been Tumbleweed, I don’t recall.

“What do you mean a whole bunch?”

“I mean a whole bunch.”

To wit:

Note Big Black looking on in curiosity. And what the hell is that middle one. Hawaiian Punch Light!? Seriously? Sure — instead of feeding your kids scoopfuls of sugar, let’s just pump them up with artificial chemicals instead.

“Here”, River Rat says, as he polishes off a pony of punch …

“Yah know, River Rat … that would make an excellent hat.”

“Indeed it would, Steakhouse, indeed it would.”

And there you have it. Is there nothing The Rail can’t do?