Ok, kiddies … gather ’round. Uncle Coulter here to tell you how to make a Hamm’s Hat. With a snip-snip here, and a pasty-paste there … (this is beginning to sound like a vasectomy how-to, but I digress …)

… and there you have it. Place on thoust head and commence drinkitude forthwith. Huzzah! And PLEASE … clean up your table scraps or no recess for you, young man.

Here’s “40” doing what he does best: polishing off 30-packs of Hamm’s and holding up signs that other people write for him because he had to repeat the sixth grade. Actually, that does look like his penmanship. Let’s see what else he has to say …

Actually, I happen to be exemplary in the fine arts of Information Technology. Yeah, I know. I’m a nerd. Touché, my friend — touché. Oh wait — I think he’s going somewhere else with that.

Here is Coulter looking very stoic in his Hamm’s Hat. Doesn’t he kinda look like one of those Lego action figure guys?

Coulter is the proud recipient of the first 30-pack of Hamm’s hat. Couldn’t happen to a nicer asshole guy. I’m frankly impressed he got the “three” and the “zero” in the right order with his fingers. I’m also guessing he’s not the one reading John Irving.