Would you like a beer barrel with that?

Who you callin' a soda, jerk?

Here’s River Rat serving up some delicious tasty aluminum goodness for a happy patron. And look at that — he decided to dress for the occasion. Now I must confess I don’t know the whole story behind this particular shot — this pic was forwarded on to me by the lovely Margarita — but I assure you he ain’t opening up that can for himself. Oh no no no … there is absolutely NO drinking behind the bar. (There are also no Matties allowed behind the bar, but that’s a different story.)

Not only is that a despicable unlawful practice in and of itself, but if a Brass Rail bartender were to make such a foolish move, the camera would slowly pan to a shot of Fu Dog sitting in his recliner, taking a nap, when all of a sudden his eyes would suddenly burst open with laser beams shooting forthwith. Word to the wise: Don’t mess with Fote. He can kill you WITH HIS MIND. True dat. I saw it once.

Mah-tee, Mah-tee, Mah-tee, Maht, Maht, Maht …

Ahh, Boilermaker. He’s like a big Teddy Bear. A big Teddy Bear that likes Purdue, Busch Light, and MC’s. What’s an MC, you say? Some might say it’s a Matty Cocktail. Others might say it’s the most vile mixed drink you could imagine. But I’ll leave that to your imagination. Instead, here’s another shot of Matty before he spins around like a top.

He looks like some big elephant that traded in his snout for a sharp set of teef. Whatevs.

Bud Hat plus bonus Bud VEST!

And so began a typical drunkfest day at The Brass Rail, and we see here the venerable Boilermaker wearing a very stylish Bud Hat. But this wasn’t just any ordinary, day … oh no. YouTube was invented! So here below we see a video of Matt doing a little dance. A Bud Hat dance, if you will. To wit:

It kinda sounds like he’s singing that Boner Pills song. Here he goes again, except this time he starts making that bizarre whistling sound that only he can make:

But here’s where things REALLY get good … Matt, in a stroke of genius, turns his Bud Hat into a Bud Vest! That’s Margarita there with the assist.

Success! Genius, I tell you — pure genius.

Sheer and utter brilliance. Not to mention something to wear out on a Saturday night. Just sayin’. And without further ado, a Bud Vest dance.

(What exactly is he doing with his finger?)

Matty-Poo (and yes this is relevant — wait for it …)

So the other day, we were sitting around at “the other bar”, when Hoss’ sharp eye caught a glimpse of bright yellow yonder in one corner. After close inspection, it was discovered that this was Boilermaker’s jacket that he had apparently left behind after a long night of drinking his brains out carousing amicably with his fellow cohorts. The hilarious thing about this jacket is that at first glance, it looks like some twenty year-old hand-me-down that mom made you wear to school and all your friends made fun of you. What’s even more bizarre, is that, and I shit you not, it’s “Ralph Lauren.” Duane (aka Purple Aces, who by the way is about 132 years old and could still bench press your ass) made the astute observation that when he once spotted Matt wearing it downtown one day, that our beloved Boilermaker looked like a mini-schoolbus walking down the sidewalk.

And with no further ado, I present to you, Matt’s Jacket: A Study in Sartorial Excellence.

Here’s Hoss, our intrepid spelunker who discovered the beast.

And Bermuda, taking the scholarly approach …

Hideout, who looks like he’s about to turn into a yellow bat and flitter away …

Frank, who looks like he’s just about to bust open …

Brick, who for some inexplicable reason decided that the jacket wasn’t complete without a large jar on his head …

And last but not least, yours truly, WEARING A HAMM’S HAT! I told you it was worth it.

No word yet on whether Boilermaker knows this has all gone down …

[UPDATE: Boilermaker apparently now knows this has all gone down.]