Christmas Eve at The Brass Rail is a magical time.

Typically all of the riff-raff are out of town, folks bring in food, and one of the most extraordinary things in the entire universe occurs: You get a free drink on Fu Dog. Hot damn!

Well, this particular Christmas Eve was no exception, and you could smell the holiday spirits in the air. (No, that’s not the mensroom.)

So dig this: the lovely Andrea was sitting at the bar having a couple of drinks, chatting it up with the gang, and lo and behold we come to learn that she was laid off that very morning when she came into work. WTF. Who fires somebody on Christmas Eve!? A certain hotel that shall remain nameless. Assholes, that’s who. And to make matters worse, she had actually passed on family plans because her employer claimed they were going to be extra busy over the holidays and need more people. AND THEN SHE GETS SERVED? SERIOUSLY? Oh, Em, Fucking Gee.

But then you’ll never guess what happened. A goddamn CHRISTMAS MIRACLE, I tell you!! Yup — you guessed right: She won a Hamm’s Hat.

Let’s get a closer look at that …

… and this …

Now that’s artwork.

She’s a veritable Ionian column, amirite?

It was such a good hat, it made a beautiful addition to the Rail Hamm’s Hat, that oversees all other hat-making efforts and, well, shenanigans and hi-jinx in general.

Don’t you just love the holidays?

Ted does.

P.S.: Happy Fucking New Year, Bitch-ezzz …

Brother, can you spare a dime?

Here we see River Rat apparently collecting for Danny’s trust fund. I really have no idea what that last sentence means, other than that’s what I was ‘tweeted’, or whatever the fuck the kids call it these days. I really hate the Internet. But you know what I do like? Hamm’s. And Hamm’s Hats. Yup, that’s pretty much it.

Looks like there are three quarters in his mitt. Know what six more quarters would get you? I’ll give you one guess.

Mr. Blurry Mofo

Here we see Mr. Blurry Mofo, who is, well, a blurry mofo. Seriously, though — does anyone know who this blurry mofo is? Otherwise, he’s just gonna be Mr. Blurry Mofo the rest of his mofo life. And blurry, at that. Still he’s wearing a Hamm’s Hat, so he’s ok in my book.

Cyber Hamm’s

And here we have the adorable Kate, live from Paris. France. Paris, FRANCE. Not Illinois, numnuts. Yup — it’s the Brass Rail’s very first virtual customer, coming over the Intahrwebs. Pretty fucking cool, right? We tried pouring beer into the phone, but she said it tasted funny, hence the straw.

Alas she did not win a hat, but you can’t have everything, Frenchie!

Be vewwy vewwy qwiet.

Shhhh … here we see “The Baltimore”, the largest of the Baltimorus family reaching a total body length of 1.8m and weighing up to 80-85kg. Its most recognizable feature is a dark-green patch of fur extending throughout most of its torso, with some sort of white patch in the upper-left. They are territorial and generally solitary but social animals, often requiring large swaths of concrete for habitat that support their prey requirements. They also wear Hamm’s Hats, so really, this lesson is over. Recess!!

Yup — I’m embarrassed.

Once again I have fallen behind on my HHPDs. This simply will not do, so let’s get right back into it with a healthy shot of Hamm’s-Hat-iness and our good pal Quicksilver, who is clearly in the right spirit of things.

More posts will be coming forthwith … I’ve got a nice queue assembled, so stop in at The Rail, order a delicious can of Hamm’s, and let’s get it ON!

‘n shit.