We break from our regularly scheduled program …

I know this has nothing to do with Hamm’s Hats, but why the Earth isn’t spinning off its axis RIGHT NOW is completely beyond me.

Yes — here we see FOUR Joyce brothers all shitting away their carefully earned paychecks in front of the diabolical whore-machines at The Brass Rail.

This goes beyond Wonder-Twin Powers, Care Bare Stares, Power Ranger whatever-it-is-the-fucking-power-rangers-do, or Keith’s brain. This should scare every human being on the planet, and rightly so.

Something like this comes to mind:

Mrs. Joyce would be proud appalled titillated nonplussed.

And now back to your regularly scheduled program.



It was a quiet Thursday afternoon at The Rail, and a couple of knuckleheads walked in. Yeah, I know — narrow it down, wouldya!? At any rate, birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and Jones won a Hamm’s Hat! He decided to stick his tongue out one of the eyeholes. Pfft. Kids today. Meanwhile, Forty takes a nap.

After his nap, Forty chose to go outside and smoke a blurry cigarette.


Awesome contribution by our very own Jenga. She somehow managed to pull all of her hair through the top, making a most excellent Hamm’s Hat. A+!!!

[Ed.: Oh, and that supernova in the background is our new neon Hamm’s Hat sign! Pretty boss, right?]

“Nice pour.”

So the other night, I was coming back from dinner with my folks, and I had to drop by downtown for legitimate reasons. Nonetheless, I thought I’d stop into The Rail to see what was up. Which I did, only to find River Rat and Hoss enjoying rounds of “The Leonard Maltin Game”, invented by Doug Benson. That in and of itself is probably worthy of a post all of its own, and believe me when I say: it’s a very amusing game. Basically, imagine trying to guess the name of a movie using nothing but Maltin’s editorializing (e.g., “A total bomb.”) without knowing anything about the plot. [Hint: Maltin does not like long movies.] You’re then given a list of topped bill, and you have to try and guess the movie from the least known on up … easier to see than explain …

In any case, it’s lots of fun, and needless to say, River Rat and Hoss had been playing for some time. At some point, it was decided to get the fancy glasses out. Fancy glasses, you say? Yup — they’re out there. Hidden deep within the bowels of The Rail are fancy glasses. Pinkies were raised.

Here’s Hoss looking very dignified.

River Rat looking equally so.

A shot of our two rummies …

And lastly, some video of a poor pour, if you will … Note the Leonard Maltin book in the background. It’s only the 2010 addition, but I’ll have you know that The Rail has recently acquired the 2013 version. We are an up-to-date bunch, so suck it.

“Negative Two!” (You’ll just have to come in and play to understand what that means.)