It was a quiet Thursday afternoon at The Rail, and a couple of knuckleheads walked in. Yeah, I know — narrow it down, wouldya!? At any rate, birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and Jones won a Hamm’s Hat! He decided to stick his tongue out one of the eyeholes. Pfft. Kids today. Meanwhile, Forty takes a nap.
After his nap, Forty chose to go outside and smoke a blurry cigarette.
With a smile on his face that could only mean he had his cake and ate it too, here’s River Rat looking quite fashionable in a Hamm’s Hat. Big Black appears to be in on it.
Lovingly snapped by River Rat, here’s a hot date between a Hamm’s Hat and a Hamm’s tap. Think he’ll get lucky? And on that note, which one’s the “he”?
Awesome contribution by our very own Jenga. She somehow managed to pull all of her hair through the top, making a most excellent Hamm’s Hat. A+!!!
[Ed.: Oh, and that supernova in the background is our new neon Hamm’s Hat sign! Pretty boss, right?]
So the other night, I was coming back from dinner with my folks, and I had to drop by downtown for legitimate reasons. Nonetheless, I thought I’d stop into The Rail to see what was up. Which I did, only to find River Rat and Hoss enjoying rounds of “The Leonard Maltin Game”, invented by Doug Benson. That in and of itself is probably worthy of a post all of its own, and believe me when I say: it’s a very amusing game. Basically, imagine trying to guess the name of a movie using nothing but Maltin’s editorializing (e.g., “A total bomb.”) without knowing anything about the plot. [Hint: Maltin does not like long movies.] You’re then given a list of topped bill, and you have to try and guess the movie from the least known on up … easier to see than explain …
In any case, it’s lots of fun, and needless to say, River Rat and Hoss had been playing for some time. At some point, it was decided to get the fancy glasses out. Fancy glasses, you say? Yup — they’re out there. Hidden deep within the bowels of The Rail are fancy glasses. Pinkies were raised.
Here’s Hoss looking very dignified.
River Rat looking equally so.
A shot of our two rummies …
And lastly, some video of a poor pour, if you will … Note the Leonard Maltin book in the background. It’s only the 2010 addition, but I’ll have you know that The Rail has recently acquired the 2013 version. We are an up-to-date bunch, so suck it.
“Negative Two!” (You’ll just have to come in and play to understand what that means.)
So last week Kate was down from Chicago visiting all the fine folks at The Brass Rail. She’s a transport nurse for a children’s hospital, which means she has the pretty awesome job of riding around in ambulances, helicopters, and airplanes (or as they say in the biz: fixed-wing aircraft.)
Semi-related story: A few months ago she was in town describing her new job to some eager listeners, and Keith was within earshot. Eventually the conversation turned silly to the point where it was extrapolated that she was not only a transport nurse, but that she flew around the Chicago metro area in a modified B-17. She was assigned the task of sitting in the ball turret and shooting down enemy aircraft. (Basically, people who don’t want children to get medical care.) Well this piqued Keith’s interest, so he gets up, walks over to Kate, and says:
“Where do you work?”
Ah, Keith.
But I digress: she won a Hamm’s Hat!!!
And then things, for inexplicable reasons, got more diagonal. I don’t really know what that means.
I then took the liberty of taking the upstairs/downstairs Hamm’s 30-pack separator and turning it into a pair o’ specs.
Is there nothing a case of Hamm’s can’t do? (Sure — I’ve already asked that question — just trying to drive it home.)
Now Duane’s not much of a beer-drinker … he tends to drink 7-up or some cheap bourbon on the rocks, but he fit right in wearing a Hamm’s Hat on someone’s behalf. It may have been mine, but I don’t really recall. Doesn’t matter though — Duane wears it like a champ.
Ahh, good ol’ Duane. When he’s not “fixing problems” at local sororities, he can typically be found lifting farm-animals with his pinky, or moving four-story buildings an inch to the left with his bulging biceps. I once saw him stop an SUV with his eyelid. Do not mess with this man. Besides, he’s from Evansville, but don’t hold that against him.
PURPLE ACES!!!! WOO-WOO!!
River Rat drinks lots of Hamm’s.
River Rat gets shitfaced.
River Rat wins a Hamm’s Hat.
This pretty much sums it up beautifully. Let’s watch.
Here’s a fine fellow who insisted that his head was bigger than a 30-pack. While I wasn’t about to disagree with him — pretty sure his beard alone could kick my ass — he did look pretty good sporting a fine “Hamm’s Hat” Hamm’s Hat.
He also had some rather interesting observations on the Fast And The Furious franchise — in particular, the chronology of said movies in case you’re into that sort of SMASHY SMASHY … *ahem* sorry … thing.
SPOILERS ALERT:
So here we go: The chronology of the Fast And The Furious franchise, as deduced by Bootleg:
1
2
4
5
99% of 6
90% of 3
Remaining 1% of 6
Remaining 10% of 3.
So there you have it. He also added that 2 & 3 are forgettable, but for full enjoyment you have to see 3, no matter how inexplicable it is. Hoss says “no on 4.” It was further postulated that the whole point of the franchise is to get folks (men) to wear Axe Body Spray. Low End could not be reached for comment.
Who said this blog wasn’t educational? Pfft. Luddites.
Woohoo! Here’s Tod looking damn fine in a Hamm’s Hat. I do believe his Hamm’s Hat cherry done been poppethed. Now I’m fairly certain he was recently awarded a Busch Light hat, but he turned up his nose and uttered a vehement “no.” That’s ok … I mean nothing against Busch Light hats, but if you don’t wanna wear one, hey — I ain’t gonna judge. On the other hand, Hoss later told me that he thinks Tod was *just* drunk enough to partake. Nuthin’ wrong wit dat neither no-how.
Just sayin’.
Fuckin’ a.